This was not a pretty year. Yes, I have had harder moments. If you know me closely you'd agree. But as a year in whole, it's still hard to swallow. How do we bridge the gap of excepting what happened, the anger with God over WHY it happen, and excepting it with moving forward.
What I know now.....My compassion for people who are ill has grown a HUGE amount. Your mind doesn't change (most of the time) but your body can not complete the normal task.
Every time I ate within 20 minutes I would start passing out. Within 10 minutes my heart rate would be around 120. Almost every single time I let any food enter my mouth. I was not capable of even getting myself to the bed.
The first time it happened, I was in our sunday school. I have passed out plenty in my life, giving people plenty of scares, just with low blood sugar. It is something I learned to cope with. I have always planned my next meal, and always included a large protien source.This was life for me. That morning a friend's husband was covering for our teacher who was out, our class was packed, my dress was too tight, I felt off. I ate a good healthy breakfast but I felt like I was going to pass out. David left the room and got me water, I drank it, and I think I looked at my watch 100 times to see if the class was over yet. I wanted to get out of there before I hit the floor. We got the kids and got home. Nothing else really happened that day. Steadily over the next 2 weeks it became worse. The final straw was the start of a good day. We were doing a refi on our house and it ended up with me having lunch with David. This rarely happens. Maybe 5 times a year. After our rare moments alone we parted ways. I blasted the air and nothing seemed to change. I grabbed my phone. I knew what was happening. I could not see a thing. I was driving 60+ miles an hour down a highway. I somehow manged to get complete off the road and stopped with calling him saying help. I just remember crying Oh God. I did not even have time to think of the 100 horrible things that could happen in that moment. NONE of them did. I started to regain my vision. The van was still moving but very bumpy so I quickly slammed on breaks and threw it in park and violently began to vomit. David and his brother pulled up behind me shortly after. I was a mess. We drove straight to the hospital. And so it began.... The weekly checkups, the constant worry, the persistent sickness. The exhausting of everyone around me.
This was the second hardest part of it..... Forgiveness. Honestly- I am very bitter when I think about it. This is where the anger comes into play. I saw friends who some I barely knew at the time bend over backwards to help me. From taking the kids swimming, from bringing dinner so many times. to making sure they brought us dinner even though they were home with sick kids. And then I saw ugly. Without concentrating too much on others sins. From people who should of been there that weren't, from some people who felt it was their place to tell people I was not sick. ( I kid you not) I learned a lot about character. Why did God let these things happen when I already thought I had hit bottom by being stuck in the bed, not being able to care for myself or my 3 children, not being able to drive a car. I guess I didn't know what bottom was. And because for some twisted reason ALL of these people are still in my life, I choose forgiveness. I will never cause someone the hurt and betrayal I felt during this time.
I felt abandoned.
This is not a pretty feeling to someone who has abandonment issuses. I have known this feeling my whole life. And here it was again.. I thought I was past it.. But God showed me I wasn't.
I had booked a beach trip back in Febuary and decide to cancel a trip to Disney World. We decided we needed to save the money and just rent a house at the beach and still have a vaction. What a blessing we made this choice. With only loosing a little we changed our minds, if I would of not canceled then and waited until I was sick and I had to cancel we would of been out thousands. This trip made me so nervous. I was scared to death to be away from my OB, the hospital I had come to know, and the security of our home. During this week, God showed out big. First with the thought of choosing to be here. Second I dove into a forgiveness study. Third I began excepting that I HAD to move forward. I began to love the thought of by forgiving them was MY gain. Letting God handle it my reward was double. I reminded myself of this and still do over and over. And during this week I ate, I lived, I swam with my children, I prepared a few light meals, I loaded a dishwasher, I felt like me. On the other hand, I set my self up for a fall. I just KNEW God had healed me, I was over this mess, I was going to be able to move on with life. Well it did not happen that way. Qucikly after returning home the sickness returned. This is not explainable. It was a God thing. I needed a break from my body, I need to have the strength to study his word, I need strenght so I wouldnt dwell on what had happen. I needed this week to move forward.
The rest of the pregnacy was better.. I had my ups and downs. But it was not constantly down. I still cried daily, but I had the end in sight. David took a month off work to finish the pregnacy. His brother and Dad worked endless hours to cover his work while he covered my work. He learned to sort clothes, make a bed, and how to tip a house keeper ;) Who let me add has always been a blessing but was even more of a blessing during this time. (This is no kind of bragging I have help, this is OUR choice, and a HUGE blessing to my family and hers, say and think what you want, but I this works for us)
I delivered my Lila Jane on September 9th. They broke my water for me at 6:30 and she was here by 8:30. She came quickly and painfully.
My wonderful OB has followed up with us over and over. He is a tough man, but we have come to learn with a soft soul. He gave hugs, he listened to my crying rants, he even threatened to put me in the hospital for the last 10 weeks. That wasn't pretty, but I still think a lot of him ;) He told me on my 2 week postparum check he was happy we had made it through. This is NOT a man to come acorss soft. He then said " I thought you both weren't going to make it at a point" I knew his attention was on me, but my attention was on baby. And I did not loose her. And that I thank God for.
So there is my long awaited recap. I said in the begining it was not a pretty year. Life is not pretty. We were never told it was. But what is pretty is God's mercy. He carried me, my marriage, my pregnacy, my life, through a not "pretty" time. His beautiful mercy saved a sinner soul and blessed her with making it through a tough spot. And that is beautiful.
